John's Snob Guide to Hiking Aesthetics

This "guide" quantifies some of the things that have contributed to my favorite hikes. The core aesthetic is very simple and has two parts. The first goal of hiking is to experience the rugged diversity of mountains and canyons with minimal intrusion from other humans. The second goal is to push oneself physically and mentally, which means that up to a certain point fear, pain, exhaustion, and generalized suffering are good. The "up to a certain point" is key. Serious injury, mental trauma, invoking the assistance of others, and general foolhardiness are all considered to be in extremely poor taste.

The base score for a hike is 0.

Distance and elevation

• +2 per mile hiked
• +3 per thousand feet elevation gain
• +1 for each hour more quickly the hike is completed than the estimated time reported in the predominant guidebook (if not in any guidebook, the following formula may be used: 1/2 hour per mile + 1/2 hour per thousand feet gained)

Route type

• +0 for a hike that returns to its starting point using the same trail in both directions
• +2 for a loop hike (return to starting point using a different trail)
• +5 for a car shuttle (different start and end points)

Major characteristics

• +2 for a ridge hike or multiple-peak hike
• +1 for a hike with gradually improving views rather than a view that is only good from the destination
• +2 for getting above tree line
• +4 for significant distance off trail
• +1 if glissading occurred
• +3 if the glissades were very long

Special difficulties

• +3 if safety depends on an ice axe and knowledge of how to use it
• +2 for scrambling
• +2 for exposure
• +3 additional points for seriously exposed scrambling
• +1 for bushwhacking
• +2 for bushwhacking on very steep terrain
• +3 for bushwhacking that makes at least one hiker bleed
• +5 for brush so dense that hikers are suspended at least 3 feet above the ground
• +3 if significant route-finding is required
• +2 for covering significant distance on talus or boulders
• +1 for getting above 10,000'
• +3 for getting above 13,000'
• +2 for experiencing at least three forms of precipitation
• +2 for whiteout conditions
• +1 for a bridge-free stream crossing
• +3 if the stream crossing is really scary
• -1 for falling in
• +2 for each moose, rattlesnake, bear, etc. that at some point blocks the route
• +1 for arrival at trailhead before 8am
• +3 for arrival at trailhead before 6am
• +3 for return after dusk
• +1 additional point for returning after dusk and out of water
• -1 for unplanned bivy
• -5 for being on a peak or ridge when the lightning starts

Isolation

• +1 for hiking during the week
• +1 for hiking off-season
• +3 for a hike not listed in any known guidebook
• +5 for not encountering anyone outside the group all day
• +7 for a route not known to have ever been done before
• -2 for each instance of waiting for a group of ill-prepared hikers to overcome some minor obstacle
• -7 for being the ill-prepared group causing delays for other hikers
• -5 for choosing a popular trail on a holiday weekend
• -5 for significant distance on a road/trail used by motor vehicles
• -5 for hiking to a destination that can be driven to

Wellbeing

• +1 for remembering to bring sandals or sneakers to change into after getting back to the car
• -1 for each hiker finishing the hike with each one of the following: bad sunburn, severe blisters, heat exhaustion, or other eminently avoidable injury
• -1 for not being able to move the day after the hike
• -1 per hiker who has to borrow an article of clothing from another hiker
• -2 per hiker who has to borrow water from another hiker
• -2 if nobody brings a map
• -2 for hiking in an area being actively used for deer hunting
• -7 for injuring self with ice axe or crampon
• -10 for requiring assistance from outside the group
• -50 for requiring air transportation to a medical facility

Attitude

• -1 if nobody bitches about the hike exacerbating an existing injury
• -2 if "existing injury" is fictional
• -3 for navigating using a GPS
• -1 for each hiker who uses the "worried spouse / companion" argument while advocating an early or hasty return
• +1 if at some point, someone can make a fairly plausible claim that the group is lost
• +3 if the leader agrees
• +2 for working a full day after completing the hike
• +3 for being able to name all nearby peaks
• +1 for remembering to bring a beer along
• +2 if the beer is kept cold until lunchtime
• +2 for not talking about work during the hike